“Need Pricing! Please Respond Quickly!” reads the subject line of the email. Thinking that this might just be the order I’ve been waiting for all week, Poor Richard quickly opens the email in Thunderbird.
“My boss wants to do some postcards. How much will 1,000 be?”
“No clue,” responds Poor Richard’s brain as his eyes scan the rest of the post for more information, or at least a phone number to call. Phone number found, fingers are dialing.
“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of (let’s call her Nancy Jean . . . don’t think I have any real customers called Nancy Jean) Nancy Jean, I’m not able to come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave a message, I’ll get back with you just as quickly as possible.”
“Nancy Jean, it’s Richard at AlphaGraphics. I received your inquiry by email. I’ll be happy to get you some numbers on the postcards, but I’ll need some details. Specifically, if you’ll let me know the size you’d like, whether they will be in color or black and white, coated or uncoated paper, who will be providing the art, and whether you’d like us to mail them. Let me know and I’ll get back with you as quickly as possible.”
On to other things.
“Need Pricing! Please Respond Quickly!”
“Haven’t I seen this before?” says Richard’s brain.
“Got your voicemail. Let’s do regular postcard size in color. Thanks, Nancy Jean.”
“Just quote something,” says Poor Richard’s brain, “maybe it’ll turn into an order. We need an order.”
The fingers follow instructions and produce an estimate for 1000 4.25 x 6 postcards on gloss cover. Still hoping beyond hope for something like a real job, the fingers include pricing for mail services. Because Poor Richard’s brain still has no clue about the design of the postcard, the fingers include the standard AlphaGraphics caveat:
Prices are for production only. Additional charges will apply for layout, design, or file modifications required before printing.
“Nancy Jean,” says Poor Richard’s brain,” what that means is that I still don’t know what you want to do or what will be required to do it.”
It’s 10:00 am when Poor Richard clicks the send button.
12:15 pm – lunchtime. Check the email.
“RE: FWD: Need Pricing! Please Respond Quickly!”
“Richard, can you help with this?” writes Nancy Jean, responding to her boss’ terse notation:
“Nancy Jean, you’ve got to do better than this!”
Poor Richard’s fingers dial once again.
“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Nancy Jean, I’m not able to come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave a message, I’ll get back with you just as quickly as possible.”
“Right,” thinks Poor Richard’s brain. “Nancy Jean, I’ll send you a couple of alternatives that can reduce the cost a little. If you’ll please call me to discuss, I’d really appreciate it.”
Poor Richard’s fingers add color one side and black ink two sides to the estimate and press the send button. It’s 12:30.
3:00 PM – done with bindery work downstairs. Let’s check the email.
“RE: FWD: RE: RE: FWD: Need Pricing! Please Respond Quickly!”
“Can we do something bigger?” writes Nancy Jean.
“Isn’t 4.25 x 6 a little small for a postcard?” writes her boss. “How much would a bigger card cost?”
“Bummer,” says Poor Richard’s brain, now beginning to realize that this is likely to turn into nothing. Poor Richard’s fingers revise the entire estimate for 5.5 x 8.5 cards. The postage estimate is revised to reflect the cost of mailing a larger card.
“Nancy Jean,” types Poor Richard’s fingers, ” here are revised estimates for larger cards. If you could please call me to discuss, I’d really, really appreciate it. We’d certainly like to help with your project and if you could call to discuss the project, I’m sure that we can find a way to make this work for you.” The fingers click send. It’s 3:15 PM.
5:30 – Poor Richard is thinking about going home. Last check of the email. Sure enough . . .
“RE: RE: RE: FWD: RE: RE: FWD: Need Pricing! Please Respond Quickly!”
“Richard, we really need to get these postcards in the mail. Can you call me in the morning?”
8:15 AM the next morning. Poor Richard’s fingers are dialing.
“Nancy Jean, may I help you?” comes through the receiver. Poor Richard’s brain becomes momentarily hopeful again.
“Hi, Nancy Jean, this is Richard at AlphaGraphics. I’m calling about the postcards we corresponded about yesterday.”
“Oh, Richard,” says Nancy Jean, “we really needed to get those postcards in the mail yesterday. When we couldn’t get all the information we needed, the boss decided not to send them. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks for thinking of us,” says Poor Richard’s mouth. Poor Richard’s brain isn’t working at all. “Please let me know if you decide to try again. And if you’ll let me know the budget, we’ll try our best to find a solution that will work for you.”
“Richard, you know my boss doesn’t work like that,” replies Nancy Jean. “Hope you have a good day today!”
“Nuff said,” says Poor Richard’s brain.
“Bye,” says Poor Richard.
Poor Richard’s fingers hang up the phone. Time to check email. Maybe there will be an order there . . . we could really use a good order.
It’d be a lot funnier if it wasn’t true.